It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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