he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
We had sex on a dog bed..
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
