There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize