happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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