Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
