these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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