She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
