The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
