Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
