Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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