I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
