I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
