one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
