I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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