hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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