1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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