I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
