I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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