she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Someone shattered a urinal.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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