She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
