i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
