So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
