By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He kissed a someone with a penis
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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