as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
