if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
