I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize