and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
