thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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