everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
