feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
