how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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