I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize