My liver just broke up with me...
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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