Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize