so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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