You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
