she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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