so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
