my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
