i wish there were pregnant emoticons
time to smoke my breakfast
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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