I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
