fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
someone owes me an orgasm
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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