Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Randomize