you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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