At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
