if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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