Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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