Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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