I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
