we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize