god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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