I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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