Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
