new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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