my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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