very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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