What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
