I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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