I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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