A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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