I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
