Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
