My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize