I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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